More than you ever wanted to know

I went to the gym tonight and swam laps for a half hour.  Once I got warmed up after about ten minutes, I was feeling pretty good.  I was trying some new technique, and having pretty good success with it.  Except that I noticed that I was occasionally swallowing water on my breath stroke.  It's normal for me to swallow a little water throughout my workout, but tonight I was definitely taking on more water than normal. 

It's also normal for me to get the urge to burp while I'm swimming.  I have tried stopping at the wall and forcing myself to let one out, but it doesn't work.  It's best to just keep going and let the burp come up on its own.  Have you ever burped, mid-stroke, with your face in the water?  Try it. 

Anyway, the additional water caused no harm during my swim.  Until I reached the wall on my last lap and lowered my feet to the bottom, and stood vertical.  Then suddenly the extra water and air bubbles re-dispersed, and I let out a huge belch.  Then I climbed out and attempted to stand up - but OUCH.  I had the worst stomach ache ever.  All I wanted to do was hunch over and let my belly hang over my bikini bottoms and squeeze my stomach and burp as much as possible.  But I couldn't do that.  There were people everywhere.

So I stood up best as I could, attempted to hold in my now three-times-larger stomach, and get to the locker room as soon as possible.  I waddled across the pool deck trying to act cool, then as soon as I got to the steps I released my belly and booked it upstairs. 

I thought the pain would go away after a few minutes, but it only got worse.  And the more upright I stood the more it hurt.  I grabbed my towel and went into a shower stall and hunched over, squeezing and pushing at my belly, trying to get some relief.  Nothing.

So I hobbled across the locker room, got dressed, and sat down at the vanity, waiting to get better.  Still no relief, only now it was time for me to pick up the kids from childcare.  And that meant walking through the cardio and weight area, down the stairs, and through the lobby.  Awesome.  I grabbed my big bag and put it in front of my belly and then tried to walk as normal as possible.  I was SO. SLOW.  Some poor lady got behind me as I was leaving the locker room, and I'm sure thought I was the biggest idiot.  I decided to add a limp to my stride, as it would look like I just got some sort of sports injury and would explain why I was the way that I was.

I got the kids and we had a pow-wow in the hallway before we walked out.  "Kids, mommy has a really, really bad tummy ache, so I need your help while we walk out, making sure Noah stays with us.  Okay?"  They all chimed in and said "okay, mom".  But kids lie.  Within seconds they were having races out of sight.

By the time I reached the car I think Isaiah had figured out that I wasn't kidding, and had a really concerned look on his face.  Thoughts crossed my mind like, "what if I black out right here from the pain" or "if I drove myself to the ER and just parked right at the door, would someone go out and watch my kids for me?".  Then I started thinking about how ER's really should have daycare service. 

Well I got a few burps out on the way home, and by the time I got there I was able to stand about 95% upright.  I sent the kids to the back yard, got out a few more burps, and made dinner.

The end.