Tuesday, April 26, 2011

One Month

Dear Braxton,

Today you are one month old.  It's a milestone I might have otherwise forgotten, but your sister wouldn't have it.  She's been counting down for the past week.  To commemorate, we made rice krispy treats.  I ate most of them.

This past month has been like a dream.  Something I never could have imagined.  I actually go back and read blog posts just to remind myself of everything.  Some things I want to forget, but I try to force myself to keep them fresh in my mind.

I thought your unusual entrance into this world would be your big "story".  But it's clear that your story has barely just begun.  You have touched my life so deeply and profoundly.  I am so thankful for this past month.  I am thankful for the two days we had at home, right after you were born.  They were a little stressful as we began to realize that something wasn't right.  But looking back, I cherish those days when things were "normal".

We have had many peaks and valleys this month.  I cherish them all.  The times when you were in the hospital and I couldn't hold you or nurse you broke my heart.  But it made me treasure you even more.  I have also seen precious children who are much more sick than you, and it makes me so thankful for the health you do have.

I have learned a lot about letting go this month.  God has taught me so much about how unimportant my plans and ideas are.  And you know what?  I don't feel empty or like I've lost something when I let go.  I feel more full; more secure in God's plan.

Braxton, I love you so much.  I love every little detail about you.  I could have you curled up on my chest, tucked under my chin, all day.  I love just pressing my nose against your head and breathing you.  I've had to work through my grief over what I thought was the loss of your "newborn" stage.  I felt like all your challenges, all your tubes and hoses, were taking away from my experience of enjoying you.  And I know too-well how quickly this stage passes by.  But God showed me that perhaps because of these challenges, I might actually get to enjoy you more.  Just you and me.  Lots of quiet times.  No distractions from the busyness of life.  We're stuck at home, tethered to one spot...and maybe that's okay.

I've had to let go of things.  But one thing I hold on to tightly, is this.  The One who made you has BIG plans for you.  And I can't wait to see you fulfill them.



Angela said...


Anonymous said...

That is the sweetest picture ever.

Love you,

Anonymous said...

Amazing letter, Shana. I will come back and read this again and again. I already have.

jennifer lee said...

So precious & beautiful & amazing, Shana!

Pure Mod Life said...

made me cry...i felt every word as if i was feeling them with you. your heart is by far heaven breathed. love you, your babies are so blessed to have you.

Marie said...

You are one incredible momma and an inspiring woman of God. Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for having such strength, and faith, which inspires and encourages me to be a better and stronger momma for my boys. Braxton and his siblings are very blessed to have you as their momma and in their lives.

Marie said...

And I absolutely feel blessed to see his sweet little head on his bunny, I love seeing something I have knit being loved by others. Thank you.

Renee said...

You made me cry too. You are so beautiful..inside and out.

Jen said...

Amazing and wonderful and beautiful and loving. Love you, Jenny